The Best Thing Ever

An impromptu waste of time by Halak.

As I looked down the street, in an absolute state of terror. Fearing the misguided likes of Osdeath was still around, I quickly ran to the alley across the street. Hoping not to be seen before he could get the package to the office.

Making it safely across the street without being seen, shot at, or otherwise harassed by a large man with a potato, a wind of relief came over me. I stood up, and scouted out the landscape. Nobody was around and the alley was clear. So he made his way down the alley.

It was roughly half way through the alley. Which was lined by multi story buildings of 2 to 4 stories in hight. The alley was 7.9 feet wide with a brick and mortar arch every 15 feet. The alley being 154 feet long, lined with trashcans and breast implants. Oh, as I was saying. It was roughly half way through the alley when I felt the presence of something... someone.

"Hey there ssssailor." Came a voice from the shadows(this is an alley, It has a lot of shadows.

I turned around, and saw nobody. When suddenly I felt a poke in my back. Turning around once again I saw nobody. I knew what was happening.

"Damnit Hitlers Ghost, leave me aloooonne!"

I rushed down and out of the alley. Fearing that the gay ghost nazi behind me may just have more plans for me. Being a Polish, Hebrew, Native American Frenchy who shakes it North to West like a Scotsman.

Making my way out into the road system. Into the stream of people. I could only hope that I would make it to the office safely. Though even there I couldn't expect much good from the people there. Believe me, if you are looking for croonies, you'll shore find 'em there. Cut throats and lifes, and worse I should dare.

As is for anyone carrying a package, I was looked at strangely and had this strange feeling that a man in crotchless chaps was following me. So obviously, I looked suspicious seeing as the FBI were tailing me.


It was only as I passed the post office that the man in the crotchless chaps confronted me. Halting me, he put his hand in his pants and tossed it up a bit.

"For the last time, I am not gay." I replied swiftly. "It's all right if you are but..." stopping my self at the sight before me. He had pulled out a shotgun from his crotch-hole.

I quickly ran into the busy post office. I lamented the scene that would be left behind me.

"Come back sssaaaillor." Came what I now knew was an average FBI detective being possessed by the Ghost of Hitler.

As the sound of shotgun blasts rung out through the halls of the now panicked post office, I knew my only chance for escape would be to make my way to the back door.

Screaming in terror, I am not sure if it was piss going down my leg or the result of those fat free chips I had earlier but I was running for the hills. I didn't want to be socially and economically exploited by a Ghost Nazi occupying the body of Agent Smith in crotchless chaps.

*One amazingly funny and original escape later.*

I finally made it to the office, and not a minute later, either.

As I took my first step I noticed only that the side building the the office was missing. Shrugging to myself. I entered the building.

Upon entering I made my way to my office and locked the door, closed the blinds. I got my phone and dialed 1-800-HotBody. Which is number for the office next time me.

*ring* *ring*
Tobby Banners
"Hello?"

HBB
"Hello, Tobby. The side office is missing, what happened to it?"

TB
"The guys decided to donate it to the Conan fan club. Said something about not needing an editors section.

HBB
"Wait, as in the Conan the Barbarian fanclub?

TB
"Yep, that would be the one."

HBB
"How did they eve get it out of here."

TB
"Well, it was a group of big sweaty men and a lot of oil and marg- *brt*"

I didn't need to know any more. All I knew is that whatever they were doing with our editors section, it was not good.

In order to get into their sect to save them, I had to learn the way of the barbarian.... no... the way of CONAN.

Before I knew it, I was an enraged killing machine and a womanizer. All by reading this cracked.com article.

So as I approached the gates of the fan club, I bellowed out in rage.

"MY BROTHERS, WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE?"

To which was heartily replied in a manly, blood raged chorus of awesome, "TO CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES, SEE THEM DRIVEN BEFORE YOU AND TO HEAR THE LAMENTATION OF THEIR WOMEN."


As well as the gates were opened. So I entered into the walls, into the fray of manliness. It was obvious that I didn't fit in. My scrawny pale body just wasn't fit for this environment. It was then that the fight broke out, or at least another one. For 90 days, and 90 nights, there was nothing but violence drinking and eating. We had our fill, punched one another, grew stronger and had out fill once more.

The Earth rocked under our rage, and we lived in the heat of battle. As the rivers of the blood of our enemies poored into the fields.


As time went on, I forgot my once noble quest to save the editors section. I think I actually killed a few of them. The land was mine to take, and the rage in my soul was undying.

I knew my future. I would take it, axe in hand, maiden at my side, and she would have mead. A keg of it.


Confronting the leader of the fan club, which I now called the Brotherhood of Conan. It was my goal... no, it was my DESTINY.

I would use my superior intellect and cunning to overtake him.

Upon entering the guild hall, I got my first ever look at the leader of the Brotherhood of Conan.

I felt my testicles suck up inside of me. As well as I lost two inches.
Ignoring my now downsized manhood. I took out my axe and yelled over all of my comrades at the leader, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

HBB
"YOU HAVE NEGLECTED THE WAY OF CONAN."

AS
"What the hell did you just say. gluuuuuugh."

The crowd became silent and all attention was on us.

HBB
"You have not taken to battle, or womanized in many moons. Your strength has gone, your muscles sag and you have been elected to public office."

"You are not one with CONAN."

AS
"You are wrong. Ho, my axe."

HBB
"Bring it, Austrian boy."

He jumped from his throne to my, which was about 300 feet.

HBB
"My god, Arnold that was amazing, how did you do that?

AS
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Obviously enraged already, he lunged at me.
I had to summon the rage of Conan to my side, if I hoped to survive.

I pulled out my axes. Dual wielding, like a Norman.
There was a red shade to my site, I didn't know who I was killing, but with each strike men dropped around me.

I evaded Arnolds every attack, but even when he took an axe to the face, he did not falter. My testicles popping back out of my body, I had the rage of Conan at my side and balls of steel.


That is when I knew what I had to do.

I swung my axe for his groin. To swift for him to evade, it hit home. Suddenly, he stopped. Pulled the axe and knelt down to me in submisson.

"My lord." he said.

Not detecting a lack of faith in him, I did not lob off his skull with his own axe like I would have otherwise.

I was declared "He who is most like Conan" and walked towards the throne... grabbing my axe, I destroyed it. Chanting "Conan would not take rest on a throne, only the bodies of his enemies."

Now the king, I was able to do what I pleased. Going to the office building, which had gotten lost. I freed the 3 remaining editors. Guiding them back to the office, my past came rushing back to me, and a great rage came over me.

I pulled out my axe and the rest was a blurr. I woke up in a pile of rubble, my brothers at my side. And we ruled the land.

That is why you should give me your money.

 

Thanks for the laugh.

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I'd like to sign up please sir. Thank you for the opportunity you are presenting, allowing for me to give you my monies and me as an opportunist will use this as a great step leap hop or bound to further my effectiveness regardless of the sacrifice of personal choices (both personal and personal). And for the good of virgin babies everywhere (and worldly babies) I shall, to arms, with my pen.

Where do I put my Johnny Hancocky?

__________________

 

Nice WKUK reference, there Johnny.